My Wife Is Pretty Pissed About This JEM AND THE HOLOGRAMS Trailer

I have only vague recollections of the original Jem And The Holograms cartoon.  My sister was just this side of too young for the show's prime demographic, but I remember some of my female childhood friends who loved that shit.

In retrospect, the actual premise sounds pretty cool!  Jerrica Benton is a badass record company exec by day and pink-haired rocker Jem by night, performing with her band The Holograms with the aid of Synergy, a special talking holographic computer that her father built for her before his death.  Synergy literally projects a hologram over Jerrica and her friends thanks to projectors in her earrings, allowing their alter egos to battle it out with rival band The Misfits and getting Jerrica/Jem entangled in a Clark Kent/Superman-esque love triangle with her purple-haired boyfriend Rio.  I make the superhero comparison because the premise so easily lends itself to a Marvel-style, globe-trotting girl power adventure.  Awesome!

So of course this live action adaptation is about a shy teenager who becomes a YouTube star.  Ugh.

Look, I have no real dog in this fight other than a general annoyance at cashing in on long dormant and slightly familiar intellectual property in the simplest and laziest way imaginable.  This movie clearly caters to the worst instincts of teenage America, the self-entitled desire for 15 minutes of Kardashian-level notoriety without having to actually work for it.  Animated Jerrica Benton is a savvy business woman and talented musician who cares for orphans and gets shit done.  Live action Jerrica Benton is all about shrugging off her "unremarkable life" in favor of fashion makeovers and signing autographs on Ryan Hanson's limbs.

My wife Jamie probably put it best: "This movie bears no resemblance to the source material.  It seem slapdash and unfatihful.  It's just no fun!  If we can have a Norse god with a magic hammer and an AI hero dude, why can't we have actual holograms?  The new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie might have sucked but at least it wasn't a story about four pet turtles and their owner who all go to school and run a pizza shop."

Not even the presence of a One Direction song was enough for this trailer to win her over.  That's saying something.

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES 2 Is Kind Of Winning Me Over

Like a sucker, I actually paid money to see Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  What's worse, I dragged others to the theater so that we could talk about it on the podcast.  This was all a terrible idea and I have paid for my crimes.  So why do I find myself oddly encouraged by recent developments on the currently filming sequel?

Because I'm an idiot, that's why.

Still, it's hard for me NOT to get excited about the idea of Tyler Perry playing brilliant-scientist-turned-giant-fly Baxter Stockman.  There were rumors that Stockman was appearing in the first film, but no such luck.  Now the idea that this movie will not only feature an evil flying insect man in a lab coat, but that he'll be played by fucking Madea has me over the moon.

But that's not all!  Stephen Amell, star of CW's excellent Arrow, has also joined the cast in the role of Casey Jones, a.k.a. my favorite.  Producer Michael Bay tweeted out the above image, which is our first look at Amell in costume.  Sadly he's missing the flowing locks of Elias Koteas from the original live action movie, but I suppose I'll make do.

Also, Laura Linney is in this movie, which means times must be tough for Laura Linney.

I was REALLY into the Ninja Turtles when I was a kid, and while the turtles themselves are great, it was the sprawling collection of truly odd supporting heroes and villains that really won me over.  The idea that we're starting to dip into those side characters is honestly exciting, if for no other reason it brings us closer to the possibility of someday seeing a six foot samurai rabbit and/or the motherfucking Technodrome.  If we can bypass Beebop and Rocksteady, all the better.

Look I haven't forgotten just how totally buck-buck the first movie was, but for what it's worth, we do have a new director this time out in the form of Dave Green, whose Earth To Echo supposedly had fun, E.T. vibe going for it.  That's promising!  Less promising is this set photo of Megan Fox doing her best Brittany Spears impression.

Yikes.  Maybe I'll wait to catch TMNT2 on Netflix after all.  Then again, if I find out that Krang is in this movie, all bets are off.

Podcast Episode 26: TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES Is Totally Buck-Buck

The newest reboot of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is a singular film experience in that it's the first time I've ever sat in the theater and felt like a movie was trolling me in real time.

To be fair, I am CLEARLY not this movie's intended audience despite having been a member of the original generation of young TMNT fanatics.  No, this horrorshow is custom built for today's nine year olds.  And not even the smart nine year olds but the dumb ones, the kids who need everything explained to them six times between a series of explosions and fart jokes lest they get distracted by something shiny and wander out into traffic.  This is a movie in which six-foot talking turtles who know karate aren't cool enough, so these turtles are also bulletproof and super strong, able to knock giant steel shipping containers 50 feet into the air with a single kick.  It's also got a faint whiff of racism - Splinter sports a fu manchu and wraps himself in Japanese affectations not because he comes from Japan, but because he finds a ninjitsu book lying in the sewer.  That's right, Splinter is essentially a rat doing yellow-face.

Character development?  Compelling relationships?  Coherent storytelling?

"FUCK THAT," this movie gleefully screams.  "We've got a car chase in the snow down a mountain with a close-up of Megan Fox's ass!"

The various incarnations of Ninja Turtles from my youth are hardly sacred, but this clusterfuck of blurry CG and leaden dialogue makes the first live-action film from 1990 look like Citizen Kane.  You can criticize the turtle suits all you want (and I actually think they hold up pretty well, all things considered) but at least that movie operated on a modicum of logic and it gave you 30 seconds to catch your breath between fight scenes.  The turtles in that movie are all distinct and multi-faceted.  Not only could you tell them apart, but you actually gave a shit about them individually.  The only difference between these version of the turtles is the color of their respective masks.  Oh yeah, and Michelangelo REALLY wants to bone Megan Fox, which is exactly as creepy as that sounds.  Oh yeah, and the actual ninja stuff is astoundingly unimpressive.

But here's the thing: I watched this movie in a theater full of kids and they went BONKERS for it.  Completely and utterly.  However, they were also whooping and cheering for the movie as soon as the lights dimmed.  These kids were obviously primed to love this thing before they every walked in the door and I suspect that has more to do with the movie's marketing than with the content of the film itself.  Apparently there is currently a Ninja Turtles cartoon airing on television, but I had to go look that up to be sure.  Before Michael Bay and director Jonathan Liebesman stepped in, the Turtles haven't felt like a real cultural touchstone in years.  Sadly, I expect that will all change as children are drawn into this hyper-kinetic bastardization like moths to a flame.  It's no surprise that the film massively outpaced industry estimates at the box office, nor that Paramount has already greenlit a sequel.

Episode 26 of the podcast features our longtime friend and Ninja Turtles fan Colin FX Garstka.  We marvel at the sheer idiocy of what we've witnessed, reminisce about the Turtles of days gone by and suggest which vintage characters we'd like to see introduced in the future.  Sadly, Krang feels pretty unlikely but giant insect/scientist Baxter Stockman doesn't seem totally outside the realm of possibility.  We also fancast the proposed all-female Ghostbusters and get psyched at the prospect of Bill Murray and Christopher Walken lending their voices to The Jungle Book.

For those of you who want to skip over the Teenage Mutant Ninja Nonsense and get right to Lady Ghostbusters, you can start it at 59:30.

Next Week: At the end of the episode we settle on Let's Be Cops, but it actually looks like we'll be talking about Expendables 3 instead.

The Latest TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES Trailer Is Dubstep-tastic

Sweet Jeebus.

There are so many baffling choices in this new trailer for the Michael Bay-produced reboot of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles that my head is spinning.  I honestly can't tell if whoever cut this thing together is trying to make me laugh or not.  Like the moment when Splinter warns the turtles that they're about to face their most dangerous threat to date, and then it cuts to a shot of a dapper looking William Fichtner.  Hilarious!  I also can't tell if Shredder, with his giant Freddy-esque knife hands is actually supposed to be Fichtner inside some kind of Iron Man-style armored suit, or if he's actually just a nine foot tall robot.  Will Arnett definitely refers to robotic samurai, so is he talking about Shredder or the Foot Clan?  If we're gonna go back to the cartoon canon where all the Foot Soldiers were actually androids, well I'd be VERY okay with that.  Mostly because, in my head, it paves the way for Krang to show up in the sequel.  If we're really lucky, it'll turn out that Whoopi Goldberg was secretly Krang the whole time!

I do like the crack about the turtles not being aliens, but by the time the dubstep kicks in, it becomes clear that this movie simply isn't built for me and that's fine.  The original live-action movie is one of those things that I can still recite word for word with all the right inflection in place ("Regular?  Or menthol?") and I'm perfectly fine revisiting my DVD box set every few years and reveling in the nostalgia.  But I also can't begrudge today's youngsters from having the opportunity to enjoy the sublime pleasures of talking karate reptiles in a way that might be more accessible to their own sensibilities.

Somebody call me when Baxter Stockman turns into a giant talking fly.

Not Even Robot Dinosaurs Can Save The Latest Trailer For TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION

I keep forgetting that there's a Transformers movie assaulting theaters this summer and every time I remember, I get very sad inside.  There was a decent chance that, after three increasingly unwatchable cinematic disasters and star Shia LaBeouf's slow descent into madness, Michael Bay's most financially successful and intellectually bankrupt franchise would finally go the way of the dinosaurs.  Instead it just added metallic dinosaurs.  And Mark Wahlberg.

Frankly, I'm all out of righteous anger when it comes to this franchise.  I can no longer carry the banner of Michael Bay spoiling my childhood memories, although his upcoming Ninja Turtles movie might test those limits.  I think it mostly has to do with the simple existence of Pacific Rim, which is likely to be the best live-action giant robot movie* for a generation.  Bay can make all the sub-par Transformers films he wants.  I'll take Gipsy Danger over his Optimus Prime any day.

I'd complain that these movies make far too much money in comparison to their piss-poor quality, but I guess I have no right to do so.  After all, I've paid good money to see all three of these films in the theater and I'll almost certainly do the same for Age Of Extinction.  I know it's going to be terrible in advance, but I guess I feel like I need to see it in order to take part in the larger conversation about summer movies and the industry in general.  Also, I am a huge sucker.

If Bay really wants to get me excited about a Transformers movie, bring back Unicron.  Then we'll talk.



*I know, I know, the Jaegers are technically mechs, not robots.  But they're still the best "giant mechanical men" I've ever seen realized on film.

Podcast Episode 11: To The End Of The Line With CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER

"To build a better world sometimes means tearing the old one down."

You guys, I think Marvel might just be unstoppable.

Captain America: The First Avenger is without question my favorite of Marvel's Phase One movies, not counting The Avengers itself which is a movie that I will watch anytime, anywhere.  (I think the Avengers movies will be historically viewed more as punctuation marks to each phase of Marvel's slate.)  I have no real history with Captain America, save for an irrational fondness for Albert Pyun's terrible adaptation from the early 90's.  In truth, that probably has less to do with Matt Salinger's Steve Rogers and more to do with President Ronny Cox.  But I love the classic WWII pulp adventure of The First Avenger and Chris Evans is so great in large part because he understands that the heart of the character lies in Skinny Steve, a beacon of honesty and morality who's always willing to face impossible odds in order to do the right thing.  The fact that Evans has got great comic timing, he oozes charisma and he looks believable dispatching a horde of Hydra soldiers is just the icing on the cake.

Iron Man 3 set a pretty high bar when it kicked off Phase Two.  Thor: The Dark World did an admirable job meeting that challenge.  Captain America: The Winter Soldier clears it.  Handily.

This is not just the best Marvel movie (it probably is) or one of the best all-time comic book movies (it definitely is); this is just a flat out great movie.  In fact, I'm convinced that if you took away the superhuman elements, the shield, the wing suit, the villain trapped in the computer and the cryogenically preserved killer with the robot arm and simply made Steve Rogers an upstanding, accomplished soldier shining a light on a world of shadow and subterfuge, you'd still have a helluva flick on your hands.  Cap is "the man out of time," but rather than waste time on his confusion over pop culture references or modern technology (Avengers already handled this perfectly) writers Christopher Markus and Stephen McFeely choose instead to dwell upon the inevitable clash between Steve's mid-century idealism and our modern surveillance, complete with its love of drones and its tendency to sidestep due process in the name of security and convenience.  There's a fundamental flaw within the system that only Steve is willing and able to correct; Steve knows that while S.H.I.E.L.D. may have their heart in the right place, they're doing a big thing badly and he's ready to burn the whole thing down if necessary.  It's a great throwback to the conspiracy/spy thrillers of the 1970's, stuff like Three Days Of The Condor and The Parallax View.  That they also managed to snag Robert Redford for a key role creates an unspoken authenticity which elevates every scene that he's in.

Of course some of those old school thrillers have a tendency to become so opaque that they start to drag after a while. The Winter Soldier never drags.  In fact, it quite literally puts the "thrill" back in "thriller."  (I can't believe I said that either.)  The action comes hard and heavy, whether it's Cap single-handedly taking down a Quinjet, dispatching a boat load of Algerian assassins or hunting down his best friend turned sworn enemy. But this isn't just meaningless combat; each set piece has clear physical and emotional stakes and the Russo brothers smartly favor wide angle shots that really let the audience see what's happening, a note that feels obvious but is increasingly less so in modern cinema.  This film is many things, but boring simply ain't one of them. 

It's not that I can't wait to see this movie again. It's that I can't wait to see this movie ten more times.

Bart and Jamie give their own two cents in Episode 11 of the podcast, but it's all largely positive (and unapologetically spoilery).  At this point I think we're all pretty much in the tank for Marvel, but I'm totally okay with that reality and I continue to count down the days until I get to see Burt Macklin and Uhura team up with a gun-toting raccoon and a talking tree to fight off legions of alien baddies.  We also speculate on Winter Soldier's impact on ABC's Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D. show and for what it's worth, this week's episode proved Jamie totally correct and me totally wrong.  That they passed up such a perfect opportunity to connect the Agents with what will certainly be their biggest hit of the year in a way that costs them absolutely nothing only reinforces my belief that Marvel is still flailing around a bit when it comes to that show.  Bart and I also chat about the upcoming Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie and pray that Michael Bay will eventually leave the icons of our childhood unmolested.  At this point, that seems unlikely.

Don't forget to subscribe, rate and review us on iTunes, or on Soundcloud if that's easier.

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Title: Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Director: Joe Russo, Anthony Rus
Starring: Chris Evans, Scarlett Johansson, Anthony Mackie, Samuel L. Jackson, Robert Redford, Sebastian Stan, Emily VanCamp, Cobie Smulders, Frank Grillo
Year Of Release: 2014
Viewing Method: Theatrical IMAX - Jordan's Reading