Podcast Episode 26: TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES Is Totally Buck-Buck

The newest reboot of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is a singular film experience in that it's the first time I've ever sat in the theater and felt like a movie was trolling me in real time.

To be fair, I am CLEARLY not this movie's intended audience despite having been a member of the original generation of young TMNT fanatics.  No, this horrorshow is custom built for today's nine year olds.  And not even the smart nine year olds but the dumb ones, the kids who need everything explained to them six times between a series of explosions and fart jokes lest they get distracted by something shiny and wander out into traffic.  This is a movie in which six-foot talking turtles who know karate aren't cool enough, so these turtles are also bulletproof and super strong, able to knock giant steel shipping containers 50 feet into the air with a single kick.  It's also got a faint whiff of racism - Splinter sports a fu manchu and wraps himself in Japanese affectations not because he comes from Japan, but because he finds a ninjitsu book lying in the sewer.  That's right, Splinter is essentially a rat doing yellow-face.

Character development?  Compelling relationships?  Coherent storytelling?

"FUCK THAT," this movie gleefully screams.  "We've got a car chase in the snow down a mountain with a close-up of Megan Fox's ass!"

The various incarnations of Ninja Turtles from my youth are hardly sacred, but this clusterfuck of blurry CG and leaden dialogue makes the first live-action film from 1990 look like Citizen Kane.  You can criticize the turtle suits all you want (and I actually think they hold up pretty well, all things considered) but at least that movie operated on a modicum of logic and it gave you 30 seconds to catch your breath between fight scenes.  The turtles in that movie are all distinct and multi-faceted.  Not only could you tell them apart, but you actually gave a shit about them individually.  The only difference between these version of the turtles is the color of their respective masks.  Oh yeah, and Michelangelo REALLY wants to bone Megan Fox, which is exactly as creepy as that sounds.  Oh yeah, and the actual ninja stuff is astoundingly unimpressive.

But here's the thing: I watched this movie in a theater full of kids and they went BONKERS for it.  Completely and utterly.  However, they were also whooping and cheering for the movie as soon as the lights dimmed.  These kids were obviously primed to love this thing before they every walked in the door and I suspect that has more to do with the movie's marketing than with the content of the film itself.  Apparently there is currently a Ninja Turtles cartoon airing on television, but I had to go look that up to be sure.  Before Michael Bay and director Jonathan Liebesman stepped in, the Turtles haven't felt like a real cultural touchstone in years.  Sadly, I expect that will all change as children are drawn into this hyper-kinetic bastardization like moths to a flame.  It's no surprise that the film massively outpaced industry estimates at the box office, nor that Paramount has already greenlit a sequel.

Episode 26 of the podcast features our longtime friend and Ninja Turtles fan Colin FX Garstka.  We marvel at the sheer idiocy of what we've witnessed, reminisce about the Turtles of days gone by and suggest which vintage characters we'd like to see introduced in the future.  Sadly, Krang feels pretty unlikely but giant insect/scientist Baxter Stockman doesn't seem totally outside the realm of possibility.  We also fancast the proposed all-female Ghostbusters and get psyched at the prospect of Bill Murray and Christopher Walken lending their voices to The Jungle Book.

For those of you who want to skip over the Teenage Mutant Ninja Nonsense and get right to Lady Ghostbusters, you can start it at 59:30.

Next Week: At the end of the episode we settle on Let's Be Cops, but it actually looks like we'll be talking about Expendables 3 instead.

Podcast Episode 19: Jenny Slate Shines In OBVIOUS CHILD

"Your head is spinning because you played Russian roulette with your vagina."

It's a hell of a thing, seeing people you know in real life appearing on the giant silver screen of your local multiplex.  For me it's always a little bittersweet, as it's a sharp reminder of my past life in the entertainment industry, but that doesn't mean I'm incapable of appreciating the success of my peers.  That appreciation comes even easier when it's a movie as good as Obvious Child, in which my former high school speech teammate Jenny Slate plays Donna, a struggling Brooklyn comedian who loses both her boyfriend and her day job, only to inadvertently get knocked up by arguably the nicest human on planet Earth.  Slate is terrifically funny as always, but she also imbues Donna with a tremendous sense of heart and grace.  There's a reason that multiple reviews have labeled this as a star-making turn for her; it's not easy to be graceful while calling someone "pee-farter".

What sets Obvious Child apart from films like Knocked Up or Juno is the no-nonsense approach it takes to the subject matter.  Donna quickly decides that an abortion is the only appropriate course of action and from that point on there's no emotional hand-wringing or second-guessing.  Abortion is presented as what it is, a perfectly safe and reasonable response that's been undertaken by millions of American women.  Donna's decision certainly isn't humdrum, but it's also not "the most important thing that will define her life forever."  It's dramatic and emotional without being a statement on her personhood or the morality of our society at large.  In that way Obvious Child feels incredibly refreshing, taking all the bluster and posturing out of a hot button political issue and instead focusing on the human reality, reminding us that there are real people at the heart of the matter that are too often overlooked.

Bart, Jamie and I discuss the many pros and cons of the film in the latest episode of the podcast, along with a brief trip down the rabbit hole of hilarity that is Movieguide.org's staid Christian film reviews.  We also ponder the implications of Rian Johnson taking over the new Star Wars trilogy, celebrate dodging the bullet of Father Of The Bride 3 and lament yet another pitch for the ill-advised Ghostbusters 3.  We forgot to talk about it at the end of the recording, but next week we'll be tackling the latest Transformers film.  Hopefully we'll make it through the whole thing without gauging our eyes out.

Enjoy!

Podcast Episode 10: I'll Be Staying Indefinitely At THE GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL

"There are still faint glimmers of civilization left in this barbaric slaughterhouse that was once known as humanity."

With his latest film, The Grand Budapest Hotel, writer/director Wes Anderson has retreated almost entirely up his own asshole.  But it's a perfectly symmetrical asshole that's been hand painted the most delicate shade of pink, complete with embossed signs of intricate caligraphy leading you to a ludicrously charming realm of paper-puppetry and miniature delights.

So I guess that's cool.

I honestly can't blame you if you've written Anderson off entirely at this point.  He's a man whose films have become entirely consumed by his unique cinematic style and if that particular style no longer appeals to you (or, if you're a philistine, it never appealed to you) then that presents a pretty significant hurdle when trying to engage with Anderson's work.  It just so happens that I still adore the auteur's singular vision, so a new Wes Anderson movie is pretty much Christmas morning for me.  I'd certainly agree that his earlier films like Rushmore and Royal Tenenbaums have a bit more in the way of substance, but Grand Budapest has so many incredible moving pieces churning and swirling around each other at any given moment that it's hard not to at least be entertained.  Still, Anderson's movies have always had a strong emotional core that fuels all the precocious absurdity floating upon the surface and that core feels notably absent here.  Anderson hasn't quite broached the barrier of "all sizzle, no steak," but with The Grand Budapest he gets dangerously close.

Episode 10 of the podcast features our first attempt at including a remote guest in the form of my good friend and Anderson superfan Jared Watterworth.  I'm still tweaking the technical methodology here, but I think Jared sounds remarkably good considering we captured his audio by Skyping him on my iPad and propping it up next to the microphone.  We chat about The Grand Budapest and its place within Anderson's full body of work before delving into the death of James Rebhorn, a possible X-Men/Fantastic Four crossover film, and whether or not Ghostbusters 3 is anything but a bad idea.  In the process we accidentally invent a couple of imaginary yet awesome sounding films.  My favorite is Conan The Barbarian directed by Milos Forman.

As always, you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes or on Soundcloud, depending upon your preferred method of podcast delivery.  I'm going out of town this weekend to see Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellan on Broadway, so there may or may not be a podcast next week.  But we'll DEFINITELY be back to talk about Captain America: The Winter Soldier, so get excited about that.  I certainly am.