Podcast Episode 60: We Root For The Dinosaurs In JURASSIC WORLD

Well that went about as well as expected.

What is there to say about Jurassic World?  It is a film which is at best problematic, and at worst complete garbage.  But then again, it's not as if The Lost World and Jurassic Park III really left a high bar to clear.  We all have fond memories of Spielberg's original and with good reason.  It's not only a fun and visceral piece of popcorn entertainment, but it's also a film that's brimming with great performances, compelling characters and sharp opinions on the scientific process and its sometimes dodgy relationship with morality and commerce.  It is, simply put, an all timer.

Jurassic World is none of those things.  Sure, you've got some fun set pieces and lots of crazy dinosaur action that, taken on its own, mostly works.  And it's fun to see what an actual working version of a dinosaur theme park would look like, even if some of it seems pretty half-baked.  I'm looking at you, nifty transparent gyro-ball car that is inexplicably autonomous with no safety measures.  (Seriously, how is that thing allowed to travel into restricted areas and why doesn't it automatically return to the gate when the ride is shut down?)  Then again, the idea of raptors being trained as some sort of military spec-ops unit is exactly my kind of ridiculous.  At one point someone compares them drones.  Seriously.

The main problem is that, while the dinosaurs all look great (though I wish they'd employed some more practical effects) the human characters and their relationships are all very poorly rendered.  Whether it's the two kids with their dramatically inert divorce backstory who exist solely as MacGuffins to be rescued, Irrfan Khan's well-meaning but oblivious benefactor or Vincent D'Onofrio's goateed asshole whose villainy is as ill-defined as his occasional southern accent, none of these characters ever gain any emotional traction.  The only characters who are able to provoke any kind of strong reaction are Chris Pratt's Owen and Bryce Dallas Howard's Claire.  Unfortunately that reaction is one of abject hatred and disdain.  Both are boring and two-dimensional on their own, but when paired together they threaten to single-handedly destroy the entire film.  Director Colin Trevorrow aims for this sort of old school, screwball comedy vibe that is executed in such a tone-deaf manner that it actually left me hoping against hope that both of the protagonists would end up devoured by the Indominus Rex, a genetic hybrid dinosaur whose abilities vary wildly (and are promptly forgotten) whenever the script seems to have backed itself into a corner. They might as well have named it Conveniensaurus Rex.

I mean sure, I guess you could "turn your brain off" and just enjoy the dino-mayhem and Jake Johnson's delicious snark.  But all Transformers movies to the contrary, I'd like to think that audiences are better than this.  We should demand higher standards from our blockbusters.  Truly great movies have characters you LOVE and root for, not just empty spectacle that trades on nostalgia and cheap sentiment.  The fact that Jurassic World had the biggest opening weekend of all time IN THE WORLD is more than a little bit depressing.  Maybe there will be a tremendous drop-off in second week grosses, but I kind of doubt it.  My social media feeds are full of people who loved this movie and most critics seem willing to shrug it off on the basis of, "It could be worse."  But I'd rather watch a movie like Tomorrowland which has a point of view and fucks up the execution, or Jupiter Ascending which attempts grandiose world building and sinks under the weight of it's own confusing bureaucracy.  Those movies at least have something to say.  Jurassic World is a snake oil salesman, selling you some slick packaging filled with actual cinematic poison.

Expect a sequel to be announced later this week.

Bart and Jamie join me on the podcast this week where we break down Jurassic World's numeous flaws and also revisit that timeless classic Terminator 2: Judgement Day.  Jamie discovers that the Terminator timeline/continuity is even more fucked up than any of us ever realized.

Next Week: Terminator 3: Rise Of The Machines (!) and Pixar's Inside Out

Podcast Episode 59: TERMINATOR Is The Ultimate B-Movie

Like a giant bowl of sugar cereal, the Terminator franchise is deeply flawed yet also a complete delight.  Each of these movies has their issues: the original has almost no plot, the T2 is saddled with human awkwardness generator Eddie Furlong, the T3 suffers from a profound lack of Linda Hamilton and Terminator: Salvation is far too dour for its own good.  And yet, I love them.  I love them all.  (Okay, Salvation really tests the limits of my affection.)  So while, yes, the marketing for the upcoming Terminator: Genisys has been complete dogshit, I still find myself excited at the prospect of more time travelling killer cyborg adventures.  Because while the series has been in freefall for over a decade, at its core this is a franchise whose very premise allows it to be completely stripped down and reinvented at any given moment.  I will always hold out hope that Terminator will be awesome.

In the lead up to the release of Terminator: Genisys, we'll be revisiting all four of the previous films week by week starting this week with James Cameron's original B-movie masterpiece.  In truth, this is the movie with which I am probably the least familiar, as I did not see it in its entirety until much later in life and, before last week, I think I'd only seen it once all the way through.  Why this wasn't in constant rotation on TV when I was a kid, I will never know.  But it's good to revisit these things periodically, to give yourself the chance to marvel at Stan Winston's mindblowing work creating practical Terminator effects or to remind yourself that yes, that IS Bill Paxton playing a street punk with blue spiky hair.

I'm really looking forward to the next few weeks of podcasting.  I'm particularly excited for the chance to extol the virtues of T3: Rise Of The Machines, which is sneakily kind of wonderful.  As always, be sure to subscribe on iTunes or SoundCloud!

Next Week: Terminator 2: Judgement Day and Jurassic World

Sigourney Weaver Passes On THE EXPENDABELLES. Linda Hamilton Charges Her Cell Phone.

Despite its surprising lack of terribleness, Expendables 3 looks to be a serious disappointment at the box office.  And yet somehow plans continue for an all-female spinoff called (I shit you not) The Expendabelles.  The last few months it's only existed as a vague idea and a very silly title, but now there appears to be some form of a script and so offers are being made to ladies with a history of cinematic ass-kickery.

Unsurprisingly the first offer went out to Sigourney Weaver and thankfully she turned it down.  Frankly I'm not all that surprised, especially in light of the revelation that the script revolves around a team of mercenary women who are forced to infiltrate the island lair of maniacal villain by posing as high priced call girls.  Sigourney Weaver is way to classy for that bullshit.  Besides, she's gonna be involved in the next 27 Avatar films that James Cameron has planned, so it's hardly as if she needs the paycheck.

In the end I expect that, much like the testosterone-y version, we'll get a mix of real actresses and some MMA types.  Gina Carano seems like a lock and I wouldn't be surprised to see Rhonda Rousey make another appearance, despite being the weakest link of the third entry.  Michelle Rodriguez, Kate Beckinsale, Milla Jovovich, Katee Sackoff and Lucy Liu are all likely candidates, but they're definitely going to need a big, Stallone-esque name to anchor this thing and there simply aren't a lot of options.  Linda Hamilton is probably a good fit, as is Jamie Lee Curtis or Daryl Hannah.  I'm not sure if Pam Grier or Gena Davis are still combat ready, but I'd love to seem them show up in some capacity.  And hey, what's Brigitte Nielson up to these days?

Then again, if they can't inject some serious star power into this thing I wouldn't be surprised to see it simply fade away.  That's probably for the best, as it took Stallone three tries to figure out how to make these movies right.  I suspect a female version wouldn't get quite so many chances.