Podcast Episode 60: We Root For The Dinosaurs In JURASSIC WORLD

Well that went about as well as expected.

What is there to say about Jurassic World?  It is a film which is at best problematic, and at worst complete garbage.  But then again, it's not as if The Lost World and Jurassic Park III really left a high bar to clear.  We all have fond memories of Spielberg's original and with good reason.  It's not only a fun and visceral piece of popcorn entertainment, but it's also a film that's brimming with great performances, compelling characters and sharp opinions on the scientific process and its sometimes dodgy relationship with morality and commerce.  It is, simply put, an all timer.

Jurassic World is none of those things.  Sure, you've got some fun set pieces and lots of crazy dinosaur action that, taken on its own, mostly works.  And it's fun to see what an actual working version of a dinosaur theme park would look like, even if some of it seems pretty half-baked.  I'm looking at you, nifty transparent gyro-ball car that is inexplicably autonomous with no safety measures.  (Seriously, how is that thing allowed to travel into restricted areas and why doesn't it automatically return to the gate when the ride is shut down?)  Then again, the idea of raptors being trained as some sort of military spec-ops unit is exactly my kind of ridiculous.  At one point someone compares them drones.  Seriously.

The main problem is that, while the dinosaurs all look great (though I wish they'd employed some more practical effects) the human characters and their relationships are all very poorly rendered.  Whether it's the two kids with their dramatically inert divorce backstory who exist solely as MacGuffins to be rescued, Irrfan Khan's well-meaning but oblivious benefactor or Vincent D'Onofrio's goateed asshole whose villainy is as ill-defined as his occasional southern accent, none of these characters ever gain any emotional traction.  The only characters who are able to provoke any kind of strong reaction are Chris Pratt's Owen and Bryce Dallas Howard's Claire.  Unfortunately that reaction is one of abject hatred and disdain.  Both are boring and two-dimensional on their own, but when paired together they threaten to single-handedly destroy the entire film.  Director Colin Trevorrow aims for this sort of old school, screwball comedy vibe that is executed in such a tone-deaf manner that it actually left me hoping against hope that both of the protagonists would end up devoured by the Indominus Rex, a genetic hybrid dinosaur whose abilities vary wildly (and are promptly forgotten) whenever the script seems to have backed itself into a corner. They might as well have named it Conveniensaurus Rex.

I mean sure, I guess you could "turn your brain off" and just enjoy the dino-mayhem and Jake Johnson's delicious snark.  But all Transformers movies to the contrary, I'd like to think that audiences are better than this.  We should demand higher standards from our blockbusters.  Truly great movies have characters you LOVE and root for, not just empty spectacle that trades on nostalgia and cheap sentiment.  The fact that Jurassic World had the biggest opening weekend of all time IN THE WORLD is more than a little bit depressing.  Maybe there will be a tremendous drop-off in second week grosses, but I kind of doubt it.  My social media feeds are full of people who loved this movie and most critics seem willing to shrug it off on the basis of, "It could be worse."  But I'd rather watch a movie like Tomorrowland which has a point of view and fucks up the execution, or Jupiter Ascending which attempts grandiose world building and sinks under the weight of it's own confusing bureaucracy.  Those movies at least have something to say.  Jurassic World is a snake oil salesman, selling you some slick packaging filled with actual cinematic poison.

Expect a sequel to be announced later this week.

Bart and Jamie join me on the podcast this week where we break down Jurassic World's numeous flaws and also revisit that timeless classic Terminator 2: Judgement Day.  Jamie discovers that the Terminator timeline/continuity is even more fucked up than any of us ever realized.

Next Week: Terminator 3: Rise Of The Machines (!) and Pixar's Inside Out

Welcome To The JURASSIC WORLD Trailer

When I first heard that Jurassic World would be set in an actual, functioning dinosaur theme park, it was as if a light went on in my brain.  I never realized just how much I wanted to see that movie until someone actually said it out loud, and I instantly felt stupid for never having thought of it earlier.  Now we've got our first real look at Colin Trevorrow's version of Isla Nublar in the first trailer for the movie, which I thought was supposed to premiere during Thanksgiving football.  I'm happy to get it two days early, as now I can spend Thursday focused on my 12 pound ham.

I really love the world building here.  The lazy river, the water show, those crazy bubble cars...I am all about it.  I remain a little skeptical about that kid from i, but I dig that Bryce Dallas Howard is actually running around the park, striking Goldblum-esque poses with road flares.  I'll reserve judgement on the actual dinos, as we're way too far out for any of the effects work to be completely finished.  I do really, REALLY love that haunting arrangement of John Williams' original score.

Astoundingly enough, what I'm most concerned about right now is Chris Pratt.  Dude is trying real hard to put on his Serious Face for this movie, which is the opposite of what I was expecting.  Not that I thought this was necessarily gonna be Star Lord Plays With Dinosaurs, but he just looks so stiff and uncomfortable.  Pratt delivers his lines here with all the charm of a doorknob, something I never thought I'd hear myself saying.  Maybe he's playing some kind of total burnout, which could be totally great, but the way his scenes are cut together here, largely with no one to bounce off of, feels a bit clunky.

Then again, we've got that amazing shot of him riding a motorcycle alongside a pack of trained velociraptors.  The only way that could get any better is if Pratt was riding an actual dinosaur that had lasers strapped to its head.  I can still dream.

JURASSIC WORLD Could Make All My Dreams Come True

Jurassic World, the latest installment in the long dormant dino-franchise, is currently filming under the direction of Colin Trevorrow, whose Safety Not Garunteed I quite liked!  We know the cast includes Chris Pratt, Bryce Dallas Howard, Jake Johnson, Judy Greer, Omar Sy, Vincent D'Onofrio and that kid with the potato gun from Iron Man 3. The action will go down at a fully operational dinosaur theme park, something I didn't even realize I wanted to see until someone said it out loud.  But will it just be another round of dinosaurs breaking out of their pens and chomping on terrified tourists?  JoBlo says not so much.

Let's backtrack for a minute.  Back in 2007 there was a script floating around for a proposed Jurassic Park 4 written by William Monahan (The Departed) and exploitation master John Sayles.  I never actually got a copy of it, but I read a few descriptions and they were, quite frankly, so absolutely bonkers insane that I couldn't believe it was an actual project that an actual studio was actually developing.  The story took place in a world where dinosaur attacks were taking place with increasing frequency around the world, so a soldier of fortune hooks up with a squadron of dino/human hybrids who can talk and shoot guns and together they embark on a mission to eradicate the world's remaining dinosaur population.  It's basically The Dirty Dozen with talking dinosaurs.

There is no amount of money I would not pay in order to see that movie.

I may have been denied the exquisite joy of dino-commandos, but it sounds like Trevorrow's going to get me pretty close.  According to JoBlo, Jurassic World will feature a new dinosaur cooked up in the lab din order to entice new customers to the park.  This is something that has never before existed in nature, a combination T-Rex/raptor/snake/cuttlefish.  I am downright tickled at the idea that I might hear people exclaiming the word "cuttlefish" in fear and panic multiple times in one movie.

But wait, it gets better!  Chris Pratt's character is supposedly a dinosaur trainer of some kind, a guy who leads a group of "good dinos" who have to hunt down this new beastie and protect the humans.  How exactly does one train a dinosaur?  Mind control tech?  Pheromones?  Maybe they have little artificial voice boxes like Darwin the dolphin on Seaquest!  Or maybe Chris Pratt can speak raptor!

Could I really be this lucky?  We'll find out when Burt Macklin: Dinosaur Trainer hits theaters in June of 2015.