PODCAST: Screening Episode 49 - JUPITER ASCENDING Cannot Maintain SUPREMACY

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I want to love Jupiter Ascending.  SO MUCH.  And make no mistake, there is plenty here to keep you entertained, including some beautiful outer space visuals, Channing Tatum's anti-gravity rollerblades, the adorable Elephant Man and every second of Eddie Redmayne's utterly batshit performance which consists solely of hoarse whispers punctuated at random by ear-splitting screams.  But in the end, the most impressive thing about the latest Wachowski film is that it somehow manages to feel both thinly drawn and completely overstuffed at the same time.  Throw in a surprisingly inert Mila Kunis and a stifled Channing Tatum, add a romance with absolutely no chemistry whatsoever, and you end up with a movie that simply collapses under the weight of its richly detailed yet completely empty spectacle.

And yet, part of me can't wait to watch it again.  I guess that's just the kind of guy I am.

Jamie and Bart join me on the podcast to break down this big bad space opera, plus Bart and I continue to forge ahead through the Bourne franchise with The Bourne Supremacy.  Bart didn't particularly care for it, while I discovered that I've apparently been confusing it for the third Bourne movie for years.  Who knew?

PS: At one point I suggest that the Wachowskis particular brand of storytelling would be far better served by a long form premium TV series, completely forgetting that their next project, Sense8, is exactly that.  It airs on Netflix this May.  Huzzah!

Next Week: We celebrate Bart's Birthday with Kingsman: The Secret Service and The Bourne Ultimatum.

The First Trailer For TED 2 Is Sperm-tastic!

I find it difficult to be impartial about Seth MacFarlane's Ted, not because I'm a huge fan of the Family Guy creator (although I kind of am) but because it's a movie that's meticulously constructed to appeal to my baser, Masshole instincts.  Ted's girlfriend, Tami-Lynn?  Every word that comes out of her mouth likely falls flat to most of the country.  But to an audience of South Shore townies?  That shit KILLS.

Now we've got a sequel coming our way, and while I wouldn't exactly say I'm excited for it, this trailer is funny enough to ensure my future ticket purchase.

I like seeing Flash Gordon right up front and that Sam Jackson line is pretty good.  It seems like they've given Tami-Lynn a lot more to do this time around and that makes me a little nervous, as does the lack of Mila Kunis.  But Amanda Seyfried can more than hold her own.  And what can I say, I just unabashedly love goofy Mark Wahlberg.  I've watched him say "fish nuggets" five times now and I've laughed every time.

I also appreciate the tasteful cutaway to the outside hallway when Wahlberg knocks over the baker's rack full of sperm cups.  This way it'll be even funnier when the movie actually shows him dripping with semen.  This is Trailer-Cutting 101, folks.

Canine Channing Tatum vs Evil Lizard Men In The Latest JUPITER ASCENDING Trailer

One of my biggest disappointments of the summer was the loss of the Wachowski's sci-fi epic Jupiter Ascending which was intended to hit theaters in July.  We can argue about the diminishing value of the later Matrix movies from now to eternity, but I remain a staunch defender of both Speed Racer and Cloud Atlas.  I'll grant you that their aspirations sometimes exceed their capabilities, but I hardly see that as something worth punishing.  There are few other filmmakers nearly so bold or exciting in their filmmaking choices, to the point that even the Wachowski's failures are significantly more interesting than most director's successes.  You've got to admire them for painting on a huge canvas.

We may have to wait until February to witness Jupiter Ascending in all its weirdness, but in the meantime here's a third trailer to tide you over.

We've got winged lizard people, rocket boots, badass spaceships and another inevitable Sean Bean death!  If nothing else, this trailer is really giving the hard sell on the actual story while still showing plenty of oddball alien shit.  Again, some of this stuff might just fall flat on screen, but I still can't wait to drink it all in.

Happy early birthday to me.