August 21, 2014

I Have So Many Questions About This OUTCAST Trailer

Holy shit, this Outcast trailer.  Is this a real movie?  I mean, I want to wallpaper my cubicle with that picture, but it can't even touch the rollercoaster of emotion that comes with watching this trailer.  Let me give you running transcription of my bewildered reactions as I watched it for the first time.  (I've watched it approximately 17 times since then.)

00:00 - Cage in the Crusades.  Wait, is this a sneaky sequel to Season Of The Witch?

0:10 - Long hair.  Beard.  Giant sword.  This looks promising.

0:17 - Twitchy Cage Rage Face!  Excitement rising...

0:30 - Wait, what?  Did YouTube just jump to a different trailer?  What is happening?

0:43 - I'm starting to get a distinct Man With The Iron Fists vibe, but without the sheer majesty of fat Russell Crowe brandishing a knife-gun while fucking an infinite number of Asian prostitutes.

0:53 - I had no idea people were still paying Hayden Christensen to star in movies.  Good for him I guess.  Or more specifically, good for his agent.


1:10 - Is it English?  Irish?  Pirate?  I must get to the bottom of this!

1:15 - His character is called The White Ghost?  Seriously?  How is that not the title of this movie?  The disdain with which Cage spits out the words "I am The White Ghost" is absolutely staggering.

1:24 - That Wheezy Cage Laugh is wonderful.  "You're 14?  HYSTERICAL!"

1:30 - What is with Christensen's haircut?  Have stylists in Silver Lake been ripping off 19th Century disgraced crusaders this whole time and I didn't know it?

1:37 - The scar over Cage's right eye looks terrible.  Did they really make him keep one eye closed the whole time?  It just looks like he's squinting at his lines off camera.  If you're not gonna throw down with some proper disfigurement makeup, at least give the man an eye-patch.  Then again, I can absolutely see Cage refusing to use a patch and INSISTING on doing it himself.  This seems completely plausible.

1:40 - The tiny ponytail on top of Cage's head is really the cherry on top of this absurd sundae.  I can't wait to marathon this movie with Left Behind and The Wicker Man.

1:53 - Seriously though, Outcast is a terrible title and is destined to be confused with about six other movies.  This trailer should have ended with, "This Winter, Nicolas Cage Is....THE WHITE GHOST!"

According to IMDB, this movie comes out the day before my birthday.

Can't.  Fucking.  Wait.

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