"Funny, now that I know these things won't kill me, I don't enjoy them."Right as I started watching Conquest Of The Planet Of The Apes, I made the last minute decision to live-tweet my viewing. I really enjoyed doing it for Titanic and, judging by the analytics, you all enjoyed reading it. So I figured it was probably time for another run on Twitter.
As I'm getting pretty deep into the Apes series, it seemed likely that the franchise was about to go off the rails and get either truly silly or truly terrible. Escape really played up the campy elements, reveling in the hilarity of the fish-out-of-water aspect of intelligent future apes living in 1970s Los Angeles. However, the end of the film makes an abrupt ninety degree turn and gets truly dark and ominous. Seriously, a guy shoots a newborn baby ape like six times point blank. Fucking DARK.
While I was kind of hoping Conquest would keep with the lighter tone, instead it delves into the beginning of humanity's downfall and it's not a pleasant tale. We've jumped forward about 20 years to 1991 and mankind is already in tough shape. A plague has already wiped out all the dogs and cats from the face of the Earth, just like Cornelius foretold. Apes have already become domesticated and are even performing menial labor like waiting tables and sweeping streets. There's a quasi-futuristic, industrial totalitarian feel to the whole thing, and you get the feeling that humanity has been living in terror ever since Zira and Cornelius showed up and spelled out humanity's destruction. Frankly, I'd have been scared shitless too once the dogs and cats all started dying, although I don't know why people would've started bringing apes into their homes in the first place.
Anyway, Conquest does a great job of painting humanity as the villains, leaving us with the impression that mankind deserves what's coming to them. Unfortunately we don't really love the apes yet either. The make-up work is sub-par here and we only have one talking ape that's a fully formed character we can really root for, Zira and Cornelius's son Caesar. (There's no explanation as to why he's no longer named Milo.) Roddy McDowell is back to play his own progeny, and he's excellent. While Cornelius was an intellectual, Caesar is all raw emotion and he gets a powerful speech at the end to wrap up the picture. I'm excited to see how they conclude this franchise next week with Battle For The Planet Of The Apes.
Now on with the live-tweeting!
Alright I'm Livetweeting tonight's screening of Conquest Of The Planets Of The Apes. Ricardo Montalban is back within the first 5 minutes!
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 22, 2013
Oh man, so many extras in terrible ape Halloween masks. This does not bode well.
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 22, 2013
Wow, they're really going to make Ricardo Montalban summarize this entire franchise up front, aren't they? Holy exposition Batman!
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 22, 2013
Bringing back Roddy McDowell to play his own son was a pretty genius casting decision.
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 22, 2013
Who the fuck is making these constant announcements?Apparently this is a totalitarian regime that made cigarettes healthy. Weird.
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 22, 2013
They're really living up to the comedic promise of apes as waiters and hairdressers. They tip them in raisins!
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 22, 2013
Futuristic video cassette tapes!Reusing footage from the last movie!We've got a lower budget!
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 22, 2013
Man this Governor is a total dick. He REALLY hates apes for no particular reason.
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 22, 2013
Cue psychadelic lights and sound while the guards beat the crap out of the apes. Yay 1970s!
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 22, 2013
Methinks that Ricardo Montalban is not long for this world...
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 22, 2013
They just tried to prove family resemblance by comparing a photograph to a hand drawn cartoon. Somehow that logic seems flawed...
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 22, 2013
I do like this idea that humanity now lives in fear of the legacy of Zira and Cornelius, especially after the pet plague came to pass.
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 22, 2013
In this future, EVERYONE wears turtlenecks. Did ties die off with dogs and cats?
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 22, 2013
Evil Governor: "Geez black guy, why are you so touchy about slavery?Lighten up, brother!"
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 22, 2013
"We were all slaves at one time.""Yeah, but some of us more recently than others!"
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 22, 2013
And adios Ricardo Montalban. You deserved better than falling out of a window.
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 22, 2013
Now Caesar seems to have some sort of psychic power over his fellow apes. He looks at them and they instantly act like assholes!
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 22, 2013
"This action is folly!"Every actor should be so lucky to dialogue that juicy.
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 22, 2013
No surprise, the black guy turns out to be the coolest guy in the room. I'm mostly impressed he's still alive.
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 22, 2013
Caesar and the black guy seems to be lurking through the Death Star right now.
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 22, 2013
"He's dead.""Did you look for a pulse, or check his breathing.""Nope.""Good enough for me!"
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 22, 2013
Dude, the apes took over their building and killed a bunch of guards. I don't think they're gonna turn around just because you yelled "No!"
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 22, 2013
HAHAHA!Giant ineffectual nets!What a perfect callback!
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 22, 2013
Guys, a wall of fire is a great distraction, but it won't stop bullets. These are the worst shock troops ever.
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 23, 2013
The Evil Governor is the hammiest actor I've ever seen. He makes Shatner look nuanced.
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 23, 2013
This battle is pretty disappointing.It's mostly guys in jumpsuits running into each other and soldiers firing into a crowd AND MISSING.
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 23, 2013
"If we fall, it will be the end of the world!"Yeah, or just this city. There's still only one talking ape dude.
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 23, 2013
Helluva speech by Roddy McDowell at the end. There's a reason this guy IS the franchise.
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 23, 2013
Hope that MacDonald sticks around for the last one, maybe even Evil Governor. Can't believe I only have one left. Love this franchise.
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 23, 2013
Well, one more Ape adventure left to go.
What should I live-tweet next? I'm open to suggestions...
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Title: Conquest Of The Planet Of The Apes
Director: J. Lee Thompson
Starring: Roddy McDowell, Don Murray, Ricardo Montalban, Hari Rhodes, Natalie Trundy
Year Of Release: 1972
Viewing Method: Digital Copy (TV)
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