"Well it ain't fucking Frosty!"The first thing you should when making a movie about a psychotic killer snowman is spend some time building a a convincing snowman effect, be it practical or otherwise.
Look at that picture. That's pretty shitty. I'm pretty sure I could find a more convincing costume at my local Walmart. It's soft, it's squishy, it creases at the joints, and its face has pretty much one expression. You can tell that filmmakers have absolutely no confidence in their creation because they spend great pains for the first half of the film to keep the snowman largely out of frame. This leads to a lot of shots in which people are attacked by large white oven mitts. In no way could this snowman be mistaken for actual snow. Speaking of which...
The second thing you should do when making a movie about a psychotic killer snowman is buy a fucking snow machine.
Look, I get it. You wanna cut costs so you decide to shoot locally in California, a place that's not exactly known for winter weather. But you're in Big Bear, a place where people go to ski. Even if the weather didn't cooperate, were you really so cheap that you couldn't rent a snow machine from a local ski lodge? Because I'll tell you the fastest way to ruin your movie set at Christmas in a town called Snowmonton: you shoot all your scenes on a set that's devoid of snow. Setting aside the fact that shaved coconut makes a terrible stand in for actual frozen water, do you have any idea how ridiculous it looks to have a snowman building contest when the only snow in the whole town takes up about 10 sq. feet? About as ridiculous as it looks to have your cast sweating through their winter coats while complaining about how cold the weather is.
And let's not even discuss the script, which I'm pretty sure was transcribed from the insane rantings of a seven year old that's been mainlining Cocoa Puffs.
Shannon Elizabeth makes her film debut as a horny teen who gets killed in a bathtub scene that has to be witnessed to be believed.
Holy hell, what is this fucking movie?
Live-tweet incredulity follows:
Now live-tweeting JACK FROST. Who recommended this to me again? I've forgotten. But so far so insane.
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) October 12, 2013
Prepare for a lot of Michael Keaton jokes. #JackFrost
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) October 12, 2013
Opening narration by a demon child, apparently.
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) October 12, 2013
Shannon Elizabeth? I remember when she was a thing!
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) October 12, 2013
"STATE EXECUTION TRANSPORT VEHICLE" "GENETIC RESEARCH COMPANY" This movie exists in a very literal universe devoid of creative names.
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) October 12, 2013
I like that Jack Frost has a comic book origin story. He is literally The Joker with a butt chin.
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) October 12, 2013
The flannel makes us wholesome!
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) October 12, 2013
BOOM MIC AHOY!
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) October 12, 2013
I think that kid shit in a pot and added marshmallows. Bag that up and take it for lunch!
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) October 12, 2013
This is the worst fake snow I've ever seen. I think it's a mix of shaved coconut, instant mashed potatoes and styrofoam.
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) October 12, 2013
And why is there no snow anywhere else in this town? The streets are immaculate. Everyone is sweating through their scarves.
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) October 12, 2013
No one seems to think it's weird that his name was fucking Jack Frost. Also, this movie takes place in Snomonton. COINCIDENCE!
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) October 12, 2013
"Why is the FBI agent wearing a turtleneck? Is it his formal turtleneck?" "It's a tactical turtleneck."
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) October 12, 2013
You'd think a movie about a killer snowman set in a place called Snomonton would have spent at least some of the budget on FUCKING SNOW
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) October 12, 2013
"Your kid is touched by the devil!" I think he's also touched by the Asperger's.
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) October 12, 2013
"What's for dinner tonight? "Carrot & celery water." "My favorite!"
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) October 12, 2013
Forsook? Is that a word? I mean I guess, but gosh does it sound weird.
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) October 12, 2013
They key to making your snowman look evil? Tree branch eyebrows.
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) October 12, 2013
Michael Keaton's vocal work is pretty astounding. My hat is off.
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) October 12, 2013
I appreciate that they're going to great pains to not show the snowman moving at all or changing his facial expression.
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) October 12, 2013
Attack of the killer white oven mitt! And why is the snowman squishy?
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) October 12, 2013
Also, why is the axe sticking out at a 90 degree angle to his torso? Is it flexible? That seems unwieldy.
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) October 12, 2013
When does Shannon Elizabeth take her top off?
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) October 12, 2013
To paraphrase James T. Kirk, "What would a superpowered snowman need with a police car?"
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) October 12, 2013
For the record, his superpower is melting.
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) October 12, 2013
These music cues are fucking ridiculous. It's like watching a cartoon.
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) October 12, 2013
And now we will watch as the two horny teens remove all five of the layers they're wearing to combat the complete lack of snow.
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) October 12, 2013
"Before we have sex, you need to chop down a tree and build me a fire. Like a big boy."
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) October 12, 2013
"Well it's not fuckin' Frosty!" You've peaked, movie. Quit while you're ahead.
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) October 12, 2013
I take it back because the snowman just materialized in a bathtub and fucked Shannon Elizabeth
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) October 12, 2013
And yes, it's exactly as hilarious as you think. #wherestherecarrot?
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) October 12, 2013
I love that the snowman and his victims are almost never in the shot at the same time.
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) October 12, 2013
So crazy roadsalt guy was sitting silently in his cell while they talked about blowing up the hallway with highly flammable...hair spray?
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) October 12, 2013
Yup, they just blew up a building by spraying bug spray into a hallway and then shooting the outside of the building. PHYSICS!
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) October 12, 2013
They drove him back with hair dryers, forced him into a furnace and said, "We iced him," which is the EXACT OPPOSITE of what just happened.
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) October 12, 2013
Okay, those ice teeth were pretty amazing.
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) October 12, 2013
Anti-freeze oatmeal! GENIUS!
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) October 12, 2013
The snowman's corny one-liners are incredible. They are all grandpa-level puns.
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) October 12, 2013
I can't believe Michael Keaton signed on for this. Oh Batman...
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) October 12, 2013
The sheriff is now punching a blanket in a pickup truck full of anti-freeze. And now they are BAPTIZING the autistic kid.
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) October 12, 2013
WHAT. THE. SHIT.
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) October 12, 2013
Jack Frost personifies everything wrong with 90's direct-to-video filmmaking. If it had been animated it would probably be brilliant. Instead it's a trainwreck.
Thanks to reader Lucy for the recommendation!
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Title: Jack Frost
Director: Michael Cooney
Starring: Scott MacDonald, Christopher Allport, Stephen Mendel, F. William Parker, Rob LaBelle, Shannon Elizabeth
Year Of Release: 1997
Viewing Method: Netflix Instant
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