September 22, 2013

I KNOW WHO KILLED ME And Who Killed Lindsay Lohan's Career

"People get cut.  That's life."
Lindsay Lohan is an easy target these days, but let's not forget there was a time where she was an adorable red-headed moppet that held America's heart in her hand.  Unfortunately, she proceeded to drain the life from that heart and inject it into her face before grinding up the remaining husk and snorting it off a bathroom mirror.  At this point it's quite simply impossible to take her serious in any role and her career has been reduced to a series of parodies of her own unfortunate reputation, as evidenced by Lifetime casting her as Elizabeth Taylor solely for the inherent snarky Twitter value.  I'll admit to a morbid curiosity in The Canyons, but that has less to do with Lohan and more to do with baring witness to just how far director Paul Schrader, a.k.a the man who wrote fucking Taxi Driver, has fallen.

It's sometimes difficult to pin down the exact moment when a career makes that shift into unsavory territory; sometimes it's a slow decline while other times it's an abrupt left turn.  Following the mega success of Mean Girls, Lohan's off screen antics started to bleed into her work on projects like Herbie: Fully Loaded or Georgia Rule.  She tried going the indie route with stuff like Prairie Home Companion and Chapter 27.  While none of those movies are very good, at least she was working with talent the likes of Robert Altman and Jane Fonda, so there was still a sense that she might be able to pull out of free fall at some point and get her shit together.

That was before I Know Who Killed Me.

Look at her filmography.  I Know Who Killed Me is unquestionably the point of no return and, having now seen the film, it's easy to see why.  The most painful part of watching this turd of a film is the tragic amount of effort on display.  Lohan is trying really hard to be dark and edgy while director Chris Sivertson is trying equally hard to be smart and trippy.  Unfortunately both fall way short of their goals, and the audience is left watching a laughable performance in a film that's about a subtle as a brass knuckle kidney punch.  What's worse, it's not even a very entertaining kind of terrible.  I suspect there's a way that everyone involved could have turned into the skid of the awful script and turned this into a kitschy bit of fun.  Instead I walked away with an almost allergic reaction to the colors red and blue.  Oh well.

Live-tweet nonsense follows below.

If you ever decide to watch I Know Who Killed Me, you're going to feel the strong urge to drink heavily.  Embrace it.  Don't try to be a hero.

Title: I Know Who Killed Me
Director: Chris Sivertson
Starring: Lindsay Lohan, Julia Ormond, Neal McDonough, Brian Geraghty, Garcele Beauvais, Spencer Garrett, Gregory Itzin, Paula Marshall
Year Of Release: 2007
Viewing Method: Netflix DVD

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