"Reality is very disappointing."Normally Wednesday night is when I let Jamie choose my movie...no argument, no refusal. Whatever she says, goes.
So this week I totally ignored all those rules.
Wednesday night the Boston Underground Film Festival kicked off with a screening of I Declare War, a movie I've been itching to see for some time now. So I swapped nights with her, giving her Thursday night instead, and she chose Empire Of The Sun for me to watch. The only wrinkle with that plan was that her brother Eric and his wife Laura were coming to stay with us for the weekend, so Thursday night we took them out to our friend's bar. I knew this would be mean another late night screening for me, but I had Friday off so I didn't mind staying up. However, I suspected that I might not have a full appreciation for a long, depressing war movie at 1:30AM. So I promised to watch Empire Of The Sun next week in exchange for a light comedy.
She chose Mannequin.
Since it was late at night and I'd had a few drinks, live-tweeting seemed like the natural decision:
Now live-tweeting tonight's Wife's Choice - MANNEQUIN.
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 29, 2013
Kim Catrall playing a white Egyptian?Oh the 80s, how delicious you were.
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 29, 2013
I should probably mention I'm not entirely sober.
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 29, 2013
ANIMATED OPENING CREIDTS!I'm already confused...
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 29, 2013
Andrew McCarthy AND James Spader?AND ESTELLE GETTY?An embarrassment of riches!
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 29, 2013
McCarthy is literally building his perfect woman, working through his demons for not getting cast in Weird Science.
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 29, 2013
Mannequin nipples!
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 29, 2013
Now he's a balloon artist dressed like an ice cream man.Now he's sculpting hedges dressed like a safari hunter.WHAT IS HAPPENING?
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 29, 2013
Oh the 80s, when every relationship ended with one person telling the other to see a psychiatrist.
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 29, 2013
Andrew McCarthy walking his dead motorcycle in the rain to the Sad Hulk music...
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 29, 2013
Things were getting a little serious, so...ASS ELECTROCUTION!
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 29, 2013
NERDY JAMES SPADER WITH A GELLED COMBOVER!This is already better than I imagined...
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 29, 2013
Ahhh the 80s, when sexual harassment was no big deal as long as you had an exotic accent and a Cosby sweater.
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 29, 2013
LIEUTENANT HARRIS!Every movie should have a Police Academy cast member in it.EVERY.MOVIE.
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 29, 2013
And the mannequin comes to life for NO PARTICULAR REASON AT ALL!Holy balls the 80s were amazing.A time when logic was totally optional!
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 29, 2013
There's a pronounced lack of synthesizers in today's movies.Somebody see to that.
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 29, 2013
"It's the most amazing window display I've ever seen!""Why so special?""IT HAS MULTIPLE TENNIS RACQUETS!"
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 29, 2013
Meshach Taylor, where are you?
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 29, 2013
Good thing gay characters no longer have to be cartoons.Oh, wait, Will & Grace...nevermind.
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 29, 2013
I'll take green silk pantsuits for $800, Alex...
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 29, 2013
Apparently this department store has its own fucking cathedral.
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 29, 2013
Wait, that entire montage took place BEFORE DINNER?I didn't think I could get more confused, BUT IT'S HAPPENED!
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 29, 2013
From now on I'd like to be referred to solely as The Flambe Terrorist.Strike that, call me Fart Blossom.
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 29, 2013
Short pants + white socks + black shoes = always funny.
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 29, 2013
Kudos to the casting director for discovering a Eurotrash Judd Nelson.
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 29, 2013
Wait, there was a time when it was cool to physically assault your coworkers for no reason?I WAS BORN IN THE WRONG ERA.
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 29, 2013
I give up.There is simply no rhyme or reason to why this mannequin comes to life.The only rule seems to be, "Whenever it's convenient."
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 29, 2013
NEVER FUCK WITH A GOLDEN GIRL.
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 29, 2013
No longer pulling their punches.McCarthy just fucked a doll in a storeroom, in case you had any doubts what this movie is all about...
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 29, 2013
I don't buy the premise that any human read this script and thought it was a good idea.
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 29, 2013
"Who are you to criticize?I've seen you do terrible things to a marionette."
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 29, 2013
Eurotrash Judd Nelson can't get through a standard "This has never happened before" boner scene with a straight face.
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 29, 2013
Structure?Story coherence?So long as we have montages, WHO NEEDS 'EM??
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 29, 2013
You're sleeping naked under a pile of fur coats in the middle of a department store.SPONTANEOUS APPLAUSE!TWICE!
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 29, 2013
OF COURSE Hollywood drives a pink Cadillac convertible.
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 29, 2013
"He just refused my insulting job offer.ARREST THAT MAN!"
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 29, 2013
I guess this is the climax?I say that not because of any kind of dramatic tension, but because there's only 10 minutes left in the movie.
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 29, 2013
I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THIS MOVIE.
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 29, 2013
Estelle Getty totally watched you bone a mannequin dude. She's definitely keeping that video tape.
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 29, 2013
When in doubt, JEFFERSON STARSHIP!
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 29, 2013
Final thoughts: this may be the epitome of a movie that seems awesome when you're 12 but makes you question your sanity 12 years later
— Daley Screening (@DaleyScreening) March 29, 2013
Normally I would have prefaced all that with a basic setup of the plot, but I honestly don't think it would have helped. I honestly think it's amazing that movies like this actually exist. It's absolutely surreal. Who thought this was a good idea? AND HOW WERE THERE TWO OF THESE? It's little wonder that the director Michael Gotlieb would go on to make the Hulk Hogan comedy Mr. Nanny.
Wow. Just...wow.
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Title: Mannequin
Director: Michael Gotlieb
Starring: Andrew McCarthy, Kim Catrall, James Spader, Estelle Getty, G.W. Bailey
Year Of Release: 1987
Viewing Method: DVD
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